What is narcissistic abuse? A counsellor explains
“Was it really abuse? They never hit me.” It’s one of the first things many people say to me when they start to wonder whether a relationship was harmful. Narcissistic abuse rarely leaves visible marks, and that is a large part of why it is so confusing.
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of emotional and psychological abuse by someone who consistently puts their own needs, image and control above your wellbeing. It can come from a partner, an ex, a parent, a sibling, a friend or a boss. The person may or may not have a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. What matters is the pattern of behaviour and the effect it has on you.
At its heart, narcissistic abuse is about control. Over time it wears down your confidence, your trust in your own memory and judgement, and your sense of who you are.
What does narcissistic abuse look like?
It often includes some of the following:
- Gaslighting: denying things that happened, or telling you you’re “too sensitive” or “remembering it wrong”
- Love-bombing: intense attention and affection early on, which later disappears
- Criticism and put-downs: often disguised as jokes or “just being honest”
- Silent treatment: withdrawing affection or contact to punish you
- Control: over money, friendships, what you wear or where you go
- Blame-shifting: somehow every argument ends up being your fault
- Isolation: gradually separating you from friends and family
For a fuller checklist, see my post on 10 signs of narcissistic abuse, or download my free guide, Was it emotional abuse?
Why is narcissistic abuse so hard to recognise?
Because it is rarely bad all the time. The relationship usually moves through a cycle of warmth and cruelty, which I explain in the narcissistic abuse cycle. The good times feel like proof that things can return to how they were at the start, so you keep trying harder.
Gaslighting also makes you doubt yourself, so you may genuinely not trust your own sense that something is wrong. And because the abuse is often hidden from others, people around you may only see someone charming.
How narcissistic abuse can affect you
People often describe anxiety, low mood, constant self-doubt, feeling “not themselves”, difficulty making decisions and a strong pull back towards the person even after leaving. This pull is often a trauma bond, not a sign of weakness. Some people develop symptoms of trauma, such as being on edge, flashbacks or numbness.
Can you recover from narcissistic abuse?
Yes. Recovery takes time, and it usually involves making sense of what happened, loosening the trauma bond, setting boundaries and slowly rebuilding trust in yourself. You can read more in how to heal from narcissistic abuse. Working with a therapist for narcissistic abuse who understands these dynamics can make that process feel much less lonely.
Ready to talk?
If any of this feels familiar, you don’t have to work through it alone. You’re welcome to book a free 30-minute chat on Zoom to see whether we’re a good fit, or read more about therapy for narcissistic abuse.
If you’re in crisis or at risk of harm, please call your local emergency number (999 in the UK, 112 in the EU). In the UK you can also call NHS 111 (option 2) or Samaritans free on 116 123.